Girls vs Boys
by ermireallydontcare
Summary: A bet between Emmett and Alice turns into a battle of the sexes. Contains: an annoyed Alice, Jasper wearing only a Confederate flag, a sexually repressed Emmett, a nearly naked Rosalie, a power-tripping Esme, and Carlisle in a apron. Slightly crackfic.
1. It's a Long Story

**This is what happens when I get bored - I decide to write silly stories about the Cullens getting involved in a stupid bet. Hope you enjoy the slightly stupid result of my bored over-active mind :)**

**Oh, and I don't own Twilight, unfortunately.**

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1. 'It's A Long Story'

_My family's insane._

This was all Edward could think as he looked around the wreckage of his family's home. He had disappeared to Alaska, which really showed how much he had wanted to be anywhere but home, after plucking from Alice's head a week ago what was about to commence among his family. However, clearly somewhere along the way decisions had been made that had, somehow, made the madness she'd envisioned then even madder.

He looked around at the ruined remains of the living room; the majority of the floor was smashed, along with all the furniture but one side-table. The remains of the floor were strewn with wood, glass and flower petals. The glass wall had a gaping hole in it, allowing a breeze to blow inside the room, and looking out of it he could see the ruined remains of Esme's prized coffee table spread across the lawn. It appeared someone had thrown it out of the window.

Flitting from room to room, Edward accessed the damage caused by his family's temporary plunge into madness. His room was miraculously untouched aside from a new lock attached to his wardrobe. In Rosalie and Emmett's room the only noticeable difference was the absence of Rosalie's giant full-length mirror, which usually took up most of one of their walls. He suddenly realised it wasn't the only mirror that was missing, all the mirrors in the house seemed to have been removed.

In Carlisle and Esme's room he found a dent in one of their walls, as if someone had thrown something at it with force. In Esme's study he found, on top of her stacks and stacks of house designs and blue prints, a note, in what appeared to be Alice's hand-writing, saying 'I see you're designing another house to be tied to for all eternity.' He couldn't make any sense of what that was supposed to mean. In Carlisle's study he was immensely surprised to discover every single bookshelf devoid of books.

However, it was what he found in Alice and Jasper's room that surprised him the most. Alice's walk-in closet had been burned down. All of Alice's precious clothes, shoes and accessories had been in that closet. _Nobody could burn down Alice's closet and live to tell the tale,_ Edward thought to himself. _Actually, nobody could __**decide**__ to burn down Alice's closet and live to tell the tale, never mind go through with it_, Edward corrected himself. _How'd they ever get past her to do it?_ He wondered, as he stared in astonishment at the boarded-up hole.

Deciding he needed some answers, it suddenly hit Edward there was no one home to ask.

_My family's insane __**and**__ missing. _

He wondered where they had gone. He found himself hoping that, whatever it was that had changed since the vision he had seen, it hadn't changed so dramatically that the madness was still commencing.

He flew out of the room, going down the steps and out the front door. He used all his extra-sensitive senses to try and seek out the whereabouts of his family, while trying to stretch his mind reading range to see if he could find any of their familiar minds.

Eventually he heard the familiar mind of his brother heading towards the house. _God that lion tasted good. Hopefully Esme will drop the stupid 'grounded' thing now this is all over. Wish I'd just agreed with Alice to begin with, guess I was wrong about how long her temper would last, but I've never seen her so wound up about something before. This whole running through the woods naked thing is kind of freeing though, still I hope Carlisle and Esme are back with my clothes, the whole flag thing is getting old quick._

Edward attempted to block out Jasper's thoughts after that but, with no one else around, he found it impossible. He was just glad Jasper had the common sense, when he sensed Edward's presence, to make sure he was covered up before exiting the forest.

"Welcome home, lil bro," Jasper said, in a failed attempt to sound nonchalant. The fact that he wore nothing except a Confederate flag around his waist did nothing to help his attempt.

"What the hell happened here?" Edward asked exasperatedly.

_It's kinda a long story, lil bro_,Jasper thought at his brother, followed by a series of images from the past week that made things no clearer for Edward.

They both turned to look down the driveway as they heard the sound of three arriving vehicles. Carlisle, Esme and Alice were each driving a removal van.

"We're moving again?" Edward said surprised.

_Have you seen the state of the house? _Jasper thought at him. _Esme says there's nothing she can do with it and is insisting we move. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get some clothes._

Carlisle, who had been driving the first van, was the first of the three of them to get out of their vehicle. Taking one look at Jasper he said, "Your clothes are in this one."

Edward however was staring at his father in astonishment, as Jasper wasn't the only one weirdly dressed. Carlisle was at least fully clothed, but over his normal clothing he wore a flowery apron of Esme's that she wore when she was cleaning. Edward raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

_It's a long story, son. _

"So I've been told," Edward replied wearily, watching the series of images that flashed through Carlisle's mind. It still didn't make much sense to Edward. He saw what had happened, but he just couldn't figure out why. What could have happened to drag even Carlisle into Alice and Emmett's stupid bet?

Edward flitted over to the van where Jasper was getting some clothes. Looking inside it, Edward saw what appeared to be every book Carlisle owned, and every stitch of Jasper's clothing.

"Oh Edward, your home," his mother said happily, bestowing a hug on him. Both her and Alice had appeared beside him. "Can you and Jasper please help me pack our furniture into the van?" she said in a sickly sweet voice, pointing to the van she had drove here in. "Just try and salvage what you can from the living room." Her voice hardened considerably as she glared at first Jasper, and then Carlisle. Edward watched the events from two days before unfolding in her mind.

"Ok, what the f-" Edward began, his confusion evident by his choice of a word he rarely used, but he was cut off when his mother hit him on the arm.

"Edward, language," she scolded.

"Really bro, I don't know where you get it from," Alice chimed happily, than, for some reason, smirked at her father, who stood there looking uncomfortable under her gaze. Another memory flashed through all four minds and Edward turned to stare at his father unbelievingly.

"Jasper, Edward, please help your mother with the furniture," Carlisle said, in a not so subtle attempt at getting the focus off of him.

"You can help too, Carlisle," Esme said sweetly. "Instead of just standing there, giving orders," she added, her voice now sickly sweet again, but in a menacing way, especially teamed with the angry glare she shot at her husband. "After all, you're the one wearing the apron for the change," she continued, in the same sickly sweet, but deeply worrying, way.

Carlisle looked down at his unusual attire as if he'd forgotten he was wearing it for a second. "Yes dear," he said meekly, before vanishing in the direction of the house.

"Jasper, Edward, go help your father," Esme ordered in the same sweet tone.

_She's really enjoying this whole 'being the one in charge' thing_, Jasper thought sourly about his mother.

"Can I at least get dressed first?" Jasper asked annoyed.

"Well I suppose so," Esme said cautiously, but was cut across by Alice.

"No!" she snapped, smirking at her husband. Jasper seemed to consider arguing for a second, before disappearing after his father into the house.

"Go help them please, Edward." Esme ordered, but her voice had at least lost the sickly sweet tone she'd been using earlier.

Together it took Jasper, Carlisle and Edward ten minutes to get all the Cullens' remaining furniture into the second van. During that time Edward had cautiously asked Carlisle why his mother was suddenly the one in charge, 'because she is' had been his glum reply.

"I think you got too many vans," Edward told his family, looking at the third van.

"Oh no, that one's got my entirely new wardrobe in it," Alice informed him happily. Looking at her Edward noticed she was wearing a completely different outfit to what she had been wearing ten minutes ago.

"Alice, did you change outfits?" he asked, wondering where she'd gone to change. Even by Alice's standards, swapping outfits when she had nowhere to go to change was pushing it.

"Well you didn't honestly expect me to stay in a Wal-Mart dress now I've gone shopping did you?" Alice said the word 'Wal-Mart' with obvious distaste. _Alice wore a dress from Wal-Mart?_ Edward thought to himself shocked.

"I know," Alice said, responding to the look of shock on his face. "Surprising what lengths some people go to." She glared angrily at her husband and father. As Edward was hit by a new set of memories, he couldn't help but laugh.

"Well played," he said to his father and brother. Alice growled at him. Both Carlisle and Jasper smiled a little. A glare each from their wives quickly wiped the smiles of their faces.

"So where are Emmett and Rosalie?" Edward asked.

"Don't know. Don't really want to know," Jasper told him. Edward knew his brother and sister well enough to know what that meant and pulled a face. "In Emmett's defence it's been a long week for him," Jasper defended his brother, but he said it with a smirk. More memories flooded into Edward's mind.

"Can you all think of something except sexually repressed Emmett and nearly naked Rosalie please?" he asked disgusted.

"Trust us, that was something none of wanted to overhear, but since we got to experience the joy of it, then so can you. Lucky you," Alice said chirpily, talking about one event in particular from the collection of memories. Edward rolled his eyes at her.

Edward may have seen most of their memories by now, he knew what had happened, but he still couldn't understand the how and why.

_How did four words cause all this?_


	2. Betting Against Alice

**2. Betting Against Alice**

A Week Earlier: Day 1

"Because you're a girl."

Alice had been bored of watching Emmett and Jasper wrestle and had wanted to join in. Emmett, unwilling to admit he wouldn't fight her because he was afraid of the very high possibility of her winning, had said the first sentence he could think of as an excuse to stop her from joining in.

"What kind of half-assed excuse is that?" Alice demanded angrily.

In her vision she had beat Emmett and she was determined for it to come true. Nothing was more fun for his siblings then watching huge, muscular Emmett throw a toddler-like hissy fit because he lost. It was amazing how the eldest, physically anyway, Cullen child could morph into a three year old. Usually one whose mummy and daddy had to scold him to shut up and stop whining (to everyone's surprise Esme had used those exact words last time).

Emmett was determined to stand his ground. "Girls are the weaker of the sexes," he informed his sister. "It just wouldn't be fair," he continued condescendingly.

"Bullshit!" Alice exclaimed. "If that's true then why are you so scared to take me on?"

"Only scared for your safety, little sister," Emmett replied with a smirk. He was enjoying how much this was winding her up.

"Bullshit!" Alice exclaimed again. She then turned angrily on her husband, who was watching the two of them argue with amusement. "Can you please get Emmett to stop talking complete and utter BULLSHIT?"

"Tell your wife you know I'm right," Emmett shouted at him. Jasper stood for several seconds staring between his wife and his brother, trying his hardest to calm them both down.

"Oh I get it, not man enough to stand up to the ball and chain, are we now brother? Guess we know who wears the pants in that relationship – oh wait we already knew that!" Emmett teased him. Jasper knew that if he agreed with Alice then Emmett would never let him live it down. It really depended on what he thought could last longer – Alice's temper or Emmett's teasing.

"You know Emmett is sort of right," he said carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. He was surprised at the torrent of anger that spieled from her; maybe he had underestimated her temper when it came to this. Jasper quickly put all his effort into calming her down.

"Maybe you're right," Alice agreed, unable to argue anymore under the current of calm Jasper poured into her. Emmett smirked happily and Jasper had to hold back I sigh of relief, had he possibly got out of this?

"Oh! Jasper, Edward wants to speak to you," Alice said, pretending to have had a vision. Jasper flitted of towards the house.

Now her husband's calming influence was no longer present, Alice turned back to her brother.

"You _are_ talking bullshit and you _are _going to admit it!" Alice growled at him.

"Is that so, little sister?" Emmett asked condescendingly, he was firm in his belief of himself. Even though he hadn't really meant what he'd said he wasn't going to back down now - he never backed down. _Alice has finally got something wrong_, he thought gleefully to himself.

"Yes!" Alice said angrily. "I'd bet on it!" she added with a smirk.

"You're on!" Emmett said, quickly biting the bait that Alice had dangled in front of him. The long-standing Cullen phrase _'never bet against Alice' _resounded through his mind. He hesitated for a moment, before gleefully deciding this was his chance to prove that phrase wrong. "What are the stakes? Money?" he asked.

Alice rolled her eyes at him. "Everyone in this family has enough money. No the stakes are much higher then that," she proclaimed. "Honour is what's at stake here."

"Honour, eh?" He paused and then continued, "And unlimited gloating rights?"

"Of course," Alice agreed.

"So if I admit it's bullshit you win, and if you admit it's not bullshit I win. Deal, little sister?" He couldn't help but smirk at her; he was never going to admit to it. It _was_ just some bullshit excuse he made up – but she'd never hear him admit it.

"Deal." She wore a matching smirk.

Jasper and Edward suddenly appeared beside them. Edward looked confused and Jasper annoyed.

"Alice, what?" Edward began to ask, but was cut off as he focused on her thoughts and saw the visions unfolding there.

"You can't be serious," Edward said. "I'm having nothing to do with that. When Carlisle and Esme get back from that medical conference, tell them I've gone to Alaska," he snapped at them before disappearing back toward the house. Alice smiled happily.

"It's even more fun without serious old Edward around," she said mysteriously. Emmett looked curiously at her, than turned to Jasper.

"Jasper, brother, we have work to do. Let's talk." Emmett gave a nod of his head as if to say 'this way' before disappearing off. Jasper looked curiously at his wife, before following his brother, feeling apprehensive.

_Two can play at that game_, Alice thought and flitted off to her sister's room. She knocked on the door – even though it was an unneeded gesture.

"Come in, Alice," Rosalie said wearingly. Alice danced into the room with her face in full-on pout mode. "What's up?" Rosalie asked in a distant voice, not taking her eyes of her reflection in her giant mirror.

"You really should tell that husband of yours to have more respect for women," Alice said, purposefully sounded wounded. Her words had the instant effect she'd known they would. Rosalie whipped round to look at her sister.

"What do you mean?" she snapped.

"He told me women were the weaker of the sexes," Alice said dejectedly, putting her 'poor little me' pout to full effect. Rosalie growled at that and stormed out, muttering angrily to herself.

*****

"Come on, Jasper. This is our chance to prove Alice wrong." Emmett said enthusiastically.

"By being sexist?" Jasper asked confused. "Did you miss the part where we live in a household with three strong-minded women?" Jasper could not envisage how this new bet of Emmett's could end well. If Esme found out they were toast. If Rosalie found out they were extra burnt toast.

"Just because you don't wear the pants in your relationship," Emmett teased again. Jasper was about to retort when a high-pitched screech ripped through the air.

"EMMETT!" They heard Rosalie shout.

"I'm not the only one with a pant-wearing wife," Jasper muttered smugly to his brother.

"Hey Rose, babe," Emmett said, in a failed attempt to appear calm.

"Women are the weaker of the sexes?" Rosalie growled at her husband.

"It was just a joke, Rose, Emmett said hastily. "I didn't mean it."

"Tell me you don't think it's true!" Rosalie demanded.

"Is that the same as admitting its bullshit?" Emmett asked hastily.

"What?" Rosalie snapped. "Yes because it is bullshit!" she shouted at him.

"I can't do that, Rose," He admitted, sending dejected.

"Why not? Do you believe it?" Rosalie was getting angrier and angrier. Admittedly some of that was Jasper's doing, he was hoping Rosalie would get Emmett to admit it was bullshit, and therefore the whole stupid bet could finish without him getting into too much trouble with Alice. However quite a lot of the anger was just Rosalie.

"No!" Emmett said quickly. "But I'd lose the bet."

"Bet? What bet?"

"The bet with Alice. If I admit its bullshit she'll win so I have to get her to admit it's not bullshit," Emmett explained quickly.

"BUT IT IS BULLSHIT!" Rosalie screeched at him.

"Rose, Rose, listen to me." Emmett was desperately trying to defuse the situation. "It's not about whether it's bullshit or not to me. It's a battle of wills. It's not about women's rights or whatever; this is just a friendly challenge between siblings. If I get Alice to admit it's bullshit it won't be because she actually believes it, it'll be so I'll leave her alone," he said the last line with a smirk.

Rosalie scowled at him. "You're a complete and utter idiot, Emmett Cullen!" Then she flounced off, having already decided whose side she was on and it wasn't her fool of a husband's.

"Let the games began!" Emmett said with a smirk.

Jasper just sighed. This couldn't be good.


	3. War: Cullen Sibling Style

**3. War: Cullen Sibling Style**

Day 2

Rosalie was lying on the bed, wearing her sexiest lingerie teamed with her most stunning heels. After fifty years she knew what Emmett liked.

Emmett stormed into his room. He was frustrated; it was five hours since he and Alice had made their bet and every single plan to annoy Alice he had, had been ruined by Alice's visions or Jasper's refusal to take part. In retrospect he really hadn't thought it through very well. _How do you surprise a psychic?_

He was surprised when he saw Rosalie lying on their bed invitingly. He smiled excitedly; feeling the lust gathering in him and without a word went to straddle her. Much to his surprise he found himself pushed away.

"Up for playing games, tonight, Rosie?" he asked saucily. He loved it when she teased him.

"Sure," she purred seductively in his ear, having stood up and pushed her body against him. Emmett felt his body respond. Then she quickly stood away from him again. "As soon as you give in with this stupid bet with Alice!"

"Rosie, don't be like that," Emmett almost whined, before trying to make his voice sound sexier again towards the end.

Rosalie turned suddenly stern. "Let me make this clear. Until this stupid bet is over – you are not touching me!" With that she angrily grabbed a robe and stormed out of the room.

_What just happened?_ Emmett thought disappointedly, all his plans for the evening that had formed since he first walked into the room and saw Rosalie suddenly disappearing. _Damnit Alice!_

*****

Alice knew her plan would work. They just had to time it right. She was sat in her room, searching the future. 'Stage One' of her and Rosalie's plan had worked perfectly, as she watched a frustrated Emmett watch Rosalie leave. Now it was time for 'Stage Two'.

"Alice?" Jasper walked warily into their room. He wasn't sure if she was angry or not. He sampled the aura around her – no anger just a thrill of excitement and impatience. _She's planning something_, Jasper thought. _If I were Emmett I'd be watching my back right about now._

Alice turned around and smiled at him. "Jasper," she said simply.

"So what exactly does the future have in store?" he teased her.

"You'll see," she said mysteriously. Then she got up and kissed him. Suddenly he couldn't focus on anything but her, he wrapped his arms around her waist and found himself pushing her against the wall. "Take your clothes off!" she ordered. Quickly he complied, and within seconds stood before her completely naked. A smirk appeared on her face, and suddenly her emotions were screaming at Jasper that she was up to something, and it wasn't something good.

"Alice?" he asked worried. She ducked around him and scooped up all his clothes. "Alice?" he repeated again more frantically.

"You get these back when Emmett admits he was talking bullshit," she said and then flitted off towards the door with his clothes, stopping and turning to him just as she was about to leave. "Oh and me and Rosalie having taken the liberty of removing all the clothes from your wardrobe as well. Bye!" Then she disappeared out the door.

Jasper rushed into the walk-in closet that adjourned his and Alice's room. The vast majority was taken up by Alice's collection, however he saw the small section that belonged to him was completely empty. Jasper stood staring at the empty space for a moment trying to decide what to do. _I just need something to cover up with for now_, he thought. He left the closet and scanned his room – his eyes lit on a Confederate flag on the wall. _That'll have to do._

*****

Alice was sat in Edward's bedroom, waiting for her husband. His search for clothes would bring him first to here, then to Carlisle's room and then Emmett's. She would be in each room to stop him and remind him he had no chance of getting past her - she would always see his plans.

Alice fingered the lock she had just installed on Edward's wardrobe. Of course a vampire could always just break the furniture apart making the lock pointless, but it was a very brave vampire that would be willing to break apart an antique wardrobe under Esme's roof.

*****

2 Hours Later

SMASH! The sound echoed throughout the house. It had been two hours since Jasper had lost all his clothing, and Alice had sent Rosalie up to her room to stop his planned raid on Emmett's wardrobe.

A furious hiss echoed through the house, followed by a metallic clash. Emmett and Alice rushed from where they both were to Rosalie and Emmett's room, where they found Jasper pinning Rosalie to the wall, surrounding by millions of twinkling pieces of mirror.

"What the fuck do you think you doing?" Emmett roared, pulling his brother of his wife.

Jasper gave a nonchalant shrug. "She attacked me first!" he said calmly, sending a current of calm into his brother, who found himself realising him, as he was no longer angry with him.

"You broke my mirror!" Rosalie hissed. Alice flitted in front of her to stop her planned second ambush on Jasper.

"Get Alice to forfeit this stupid bet or I'll destroy ever mirror in this house." Jasper threatened, sending a wave of anxiety into her to make her even more panicked by his threat.

"You wouldn't dare." Rosalie hissed.

Jasper just zoomed out of the room, with Alice and Rosalie following. Emmett heard them arguing in Alice's closet – where there was a lot of mirrors.

_It's not a half-bad idea and it's not like Rose can do anything worse to me_, he thought, before dashing into Rosalie's closet. He heard a growl from Alice a few rooms away and knew he'd have to work quick. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! He shattered all of Rosalie's mirrors before Alice could get to him. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! Emmett heard Alice's mirrors shatter as well, as Jasper made full use of not having Alice's full attention thanks to Emmett's distraction.

Between the two of them all twenty mirrors in the Cullen household got smashed, including Rosalie's compact one she carried around in her bag. Alice and Rosalie gave up trying to stop them after the closet mirrors got smashed and unwillingly left them to it.

* * *

Day 3

_I don't need mirrors to know I look sexy. _Rosalie was changing into the skimpiest bikini she owned. She walked purposefully slowly past her husband on her way out of his house and smiled vindictively as his eyes stared at her hungrily. She stopped and smiled at him.

"Three words Emmett. 'It's bullshit, Alice." Or even 'I'm sorry, Alice,' would work," she stated and then added sexily, "Three words and you can do whatever you like to me." Emmett gulped and tried to suppress the thoughts that appeared in his mind at her words. _Can't let Alice win, can't let Alice win_, he chanted to himself.

"No deal." He managed to choke the words out.

"Suit yourself." Rosalie said icily, before walking extra slowly away, giving him ample time to stare at what he was missing out on.

*****

5 Hours Later

Alice had decided to go shopping. Rosalie had returned home and was currently sat around in her bikini, purposely flaunting herself to Emmett, and Alice had told her to make sure Jasper didn't get any clothes. Now she was in her car, stopped in the middle of the road, watching her vision unfold. She couldn't believe what she'd seen. It had been a snap decision, so she hadn't known until now. She knew she couldn't get home in time to stop it. So she sat in her car in the middle of the road and watched as her closet, continuing all her most beloved items burnt down. Then she angrily turned the car around and headed home. She had a score to settle.

"Sorry, I couldn't stop them!" Rosalie had rushed outside when she heard Alice's arrival; much to Alice's surprise she actually sounded sincere. Alice ignored her and stormed inside to where her husband and brother sat, they both eyed her worriedly.

"HOW COULD YOU?" Alice screamed. Jasper instantly went into over-time trying to calm her down. "Stop it, Jasper!" she growled.

Jasper ignored her and tried to explain. "We only wanted to burn a few dresses, but it got out of hand," he stated calmly.

"Out of hand!" Alice growled at him, his calming effect not quite able to keep her temper down. "And what are you going to do about the big burnt out hole in the side of the house?" Jasper and Emmett didn't answer her and just stood there in uncomfortable silence. Alice's face glazed over for a second and then she smiled sadistically at them.

"Well you better think of a excuse quick. Carlisle and Esme are home early."


	4. Parental Control? Yeah Right!

**4. Parental Control? Yeah Right!**

Day 4

"What are you two doing?" Esme asked her daughters forcefully as she found them in her husband's study.

_Whatever they are up to it better not having anything to do with that silly bet_!

She had been absolutely dumbfounded upon coming home to find a side of her house burnt down. She had shouted at all four of her children for going on half an hour before Carlisle had dragged her away to calm down. Carlisle had got them all to board the burnt out hole up, and to tidy up the mess in her house (mainly broken mirror pieces), while he had spoke to her and when she returned they had all apologised profoundly. Some normalcy had returned to the household in the hours since their return, and all four had promised that the bet was over. Yet she didn't believe them, mainly because Jasper still had not been given any clothes and Rosalie, for reasons she didn't even want to try and comprehend, was still walking around in her skimpiest bikini.

Rosalie gave a little jump of surprise upon hearing her mother's question, causing her to drop the book in her hand. She turned around to face her mother with a guilty look on her face. Both Alice (who of course wasn't surprised) and Esme laughed at her. "I've never seen a surprised vampire before," Esme said with a chuckle.

"I was concentrating," Rosalie said huffily. "And someone could have warned me." She glared at her sister, who picked up the double meaning - 'why didn't you warn me Esme was coming and what the hell are we going to tell her?' Alice smiled, knowing her sister didn't need to be worried. She had a plan and it would work.

Esme wasn't going to be distracted. "So what are you two doing?"

"Packing up all Carlisle's books so we can hide them from him," Alice answered truthfully. Rosalie shot her a look that clearly said 'what the fuck are you doing?' Alice ignored her – she knew exactly what she was doing. "Did you get the note I left you?" Alice asked sweetly, referring to the note she had left on top of her mother's house designs.

"Yes I did. Care to explain that?" Esme asked confused.

"Just pointing out a few home truths," Alice replied mysteriously.

"What 'home truths'?" Esme sounded even more confused.

"Just how you and Carlisle stick within your intended gender roles." Esme looked even more confused, but slowly it dawned on her what Alice meant. She gave a snort of laughter.

"Don't be ridiculous Alice," she said with a disbelieving smile.

"I'm not. I suppose you can't really blame Carlisle for it though, he is from the 17th Century after all," Alice stated calmly, picking her words very carefully. She knew that to win they needed Esme on their side, though she couldn't quite see why yet, but she had to plant the seeds of doubt that would get Esme to change her mind very carefully if she wanted to get their mother to side with them.

Alice briefly wondered if this was the right thing to do – playing with her mother's insecurities like this. But then she remembered that Jasper and Emmett **had to **lose considering what they'd done, and her visions were telling her this was the only way to do it. Plus it would be a victory for her mother as well, she reminded herself, trying to ease her own guilty conscience.

"I don't know what you're talking about Alice," Esme said composedly, though she was no longer smiling.

"Ok," Alice conceded. "I still can't believe those two burnt my closet down. You thought of a punishment for them yet?" she asked her mother, purposefully changing topic.

"Not yet. I'm sure me and Carlisle will think of something." Esme seemed a little confused by the sudden topic change, but her flash of anger at the mention of what had happened was also noticeable.

"Yeah because Carlisle seemed so bothered about it," Alice muttered, supposedly to herself, but it was purposefully just loud enough for her mother to hear her.

"Excuse me?" Esme snapped.

"What? Oh, nothing," Alice replied in a falsely sweet voice.

"Ok. Well … I'm going to … I'm going to leave." Esme was flustered by the bizarre conversation. "Leave your father's books alone girls," she ordered, trying to regain some balance of control over the conversation and then she flitted out of the room.

"So what's your plan now - oh mystic psychic?" Rosalie snapped at her sister.

"Just give her 30 minutes," Alice replied coolly.

*****

30 Minutes Later

"So what's your plan?" Esme asked as she arrived back in her husband's study where Rosalie and Alice were waiting.

Alice and Rosalie explained the next stage of their plan while all three of them packed up Carlisle's books.

*****

2 Hours Later

Esme sat on her bed, watching her husband change out of his medical clothes.

"I can't believe those two," he said to her.

"Who?" she asked, as he came and sat on the bed next to her. He placed his arm around her waist and gave her a chaste kiss; there was little else they could do with their children and their super-sensitive hearing in the house.

"Alice and Rosalie. Did they tell you what apparently happened to my books?" He couldn't keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"Yes, the book stealing fairy got them," she replied, trying to keep her voice as sincere as possible.

" 'Book stealing fairy', you ever heard such nonsense?" he muttered, more to himself then to her.

"It's not nonsense Carlisle," she told him. He shot her a sceptical look "You never heard of the book-stealing fairy?" She tried to make her voice sound surprised.

"You're not seriously buying this?" he asked her incredulously. Esme just shrugged.

"It's true," she stated calmly, trying to hide her amusement but failing slightly. Carlisle noticed the slight smile on her face – it was the same look Alice and Rosalie had worn earlier.

"Not you as well. What is going on?" he said exasperatedly.

"A book-stealing fairy came and stole all your books," she stated calmly, sticking to the plan.

"No it didn't!" Carlisle sounded even more exasperated now. "What exactly happened while I was at the hospital?" he asked.

"A book-stealing fairy came and stole all your books," she repeated calmly, trying her very hardest not to laugh.

"Ok. I know that's a lie. You know that's a lie. What happened?" Carlisle couldn't believe his wife seemed to be going along with whatever Alice and Rosalie's stupid plan was.

"It's not a lie," Esme said mock innocently. With an annoyed sigh, Carlisle got up off the bed and left the room, leaving Esme sat there with a smug smile on her face.


	5. Walmart?

**5. Wal-Mart?**

Day 5

Alice had finally got the chance to go shopping. She was in desperate need of it now, considering her closet had been burnt down two days ago and this was her first chance to shop, moving all of Carlisle's books had made it impossible to do yesterday. She had been wearing the same outfit for two days, the thought made her shudder.

Rosalie was on 'making sure Jasper gets no clothes' duty, as well as 'sitting around nearly naked in front of your sexually repressed husband' duty.

Carlisle and Esme were very busy ignoring each other, and making sure not to end up in the same rooms. It was kind of funny actually, Alice thought, as soon as one entered the room the other left in pointed silence. It was completely un-Carlisle-and-Esme-like. She would have felt guilty for it, if she couldn't see her mother's smiling victorious face in her visions.

She walked into the nearest designer store and started to pick out a few dresses.

"Would you like some help?" the sales assistant asked her. "Perhaps someone to hold onto those while you look round?" Alice had to hide a smile at the question; like there was any chance she would struggle to carry a few dresses. But instead she said,

"Yes, thank you," and passed the dresses to the assistant while she went to look at shoes. It was as she was deciding on her third pair of shoes that the vision hit. Her credit card would get rejected at the till. She watched what happened as she decided to pay with each of her different credit cards, each time it got rejected.

"Would you like to pay now, miss," she heard the sales assistant ask. She was looking at Alice like she thought she wasn't right in the head. Alice quickly flickered through all the possible futures. All of her credit cards got rejected, if she went to a cash point it would tell her she had insufficient funds.

"Miss?" the sales assistant asked her, wondering if she was having a fit of something.

"I just remembered I left my purse in the car, I'll be right back," she stammered the first excuse that came to mind, before leaving the store as quickly as possible without looking inhuman. If she was still human, she was sure her cheeks would be bright red by now. She, of course, had no attention of going back.

_I'll phone the credit card company when I get back_, she thought. As soon as she had made the decision, she had a vision of the conversation. The man on the other end of the line would tell her they had cancelled the account at her father's request. This surprised her; she had considered sabotage from Jasper and Emmett as likely, but not Carlisle. Even with the whole 'book stealing fairy' thing, she had never thought her ever patient and calm father would actually retaliate.

*****

"Hello, Alice," Carlisle said calmly as she stormed into his office, it was bizarrely bare in it's current bookless state.

"What did you do?" she almost growled at him.

"How about you tell me what you did first," Carlisle replied, still as calm as ever.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked, even though she knew exactly what he meant. Carlisle raised an eyebrow sceptically, before gesturing at the bookless shelves.

"A book stealing fairy came and stole all your books," Alice replied determinedly.

"Well it that case, a credit card cancelling fairy came and cancelled all your credit card," he mocked her sarcastically.

"And how exactly am I supposed to replace my clothes?" she asked angrily.

"Don't human children get pocket money?" Carlisle asked her mockingly.

"What you guna give me $10 so I can go buy a dress at Wal-Mart?" she replied sarcastically. She scoffed at the thought, like that was going to happen. Carlisle smiled at her.

"Sounds like a plan." Then he pulled out his wallet and got out a $10 dollar note. He handed it out to Alice. "Don't spend it all in one place, my darling daughter." Alice glowered at him for a second before snatching the note of him and storming out.

Carlisle couldn't help but feel a little self-satisfied. Sure, he still didn't know what had happened or why his wife wasn't speaking to him. But he was fairly certain Alice was behind it all, and he had at least got one up on her in return.

* * *

**A/N: I have never been in a Wal-mart (because I'm British and we don't have them here), but I've been to ASDA (which is part of the Wal-mart family). Anyway, I can't imagine it's the kind of place Alice would shop in a million years.**

**Reviews would be greatly appreciated. What do you think of events so far?**


	6. Did Carlisle Just Say Fuck?

**6. 'Did Carlisle just say f***?'**

Day 6

The four siblings were stood in the living room. Alice and Emmett were the only ones dressed normally, though Alice hardly counted her wearing a dress from Wal-Mart as normal. Rosalie wore yet another of the skimpiest bikinis she owned. Jasper still wore nothing except a Confederate flag around his waist. The girls stood on one side of the room with the boys on the other. The battle lines had clearly been drawn.

"What the hell did you say to Esme?" Jasper demanded angrily of his wife. Jasper had hoped that the return of their parents would finally mean the end of this stupid bet – and the return of his clothes.

Alice shrugged. "Just pointed out the truth," she replied nonchalantly.

"What 'truth' was that exactly?" Jasper asked his wife sarcastically. Alice was about to retort when they were cut off by a shout above them.

"This isn't the 17th Century, Carlisle!" Esme screamed.

"Yes I know that," Carlisle said exasperatedly.

"Then why do you act like it is?"

"I don't!" Carlisle snapped back, clearly beginning to lose his temper – which was something that it surprised his children that he even had.

"Really? Then why do you go to work while I stay at home taking care of the house and watching the kids?"

"Because … you like taking care of the house and watching the kids," Carlisle spoke slowly, sounding confused. After all, he knew her well enough to know it really was true.

"Oh I do now do I? For all you know I could resent it."

"But … you … don't," Carlisle said, he sounded confused out of his mind.

"Maybe I do!" Esme snapped.

"Do you?" Carlisle asked patiently.

"Maybe!" Esme replied hedging.

"So that's a no then," Carlisle said slightly smugly.

"DON'T YOU DARE PRESUME TO TELL ME WHAT I THINK!" Esme screamed.

Downstairs their children listen in astonishment.

"Carlisle and Esme are _arguing_?" Emmett asked in astonishment.

"Well done Alice! I think you're responsible for the first argument Carlisle and Esme have ever had. Happy now?" Jasper asked sarcastically. Alice felt a moment of guilt before looking into her parents' future again. She smiled at what she saw – it was the same girl's victory. Maybe Carlisle wouldn't appreciate it, but Esme seemed delighted with the outcome and since Alice was in a defiant feminist mood, she was backing her mother all the way.

"In the end, yes!" Alice replied. The argument downstairs was cut off by the sound of something smashing upstairs.

"You made me smash one of my vases," they heard Esme growl.

"I made you?" Carlisle asked questioningly, his calm façade not quite hiding the sarcasm behind it. "I made you throw a vase at my head?"

Below them there was a snort of laughter from all four of their children at the image of their sweet-tempered mother throwing a vase at their father's head.

"Yes,, you made me," Esme hissed.

"I'm not the one acting like one of the children." Carlisle's reply was calm but cold. Only Carlisle could get a vase thrown at his head and still act calm.

"Oh I'm sorry. Did I forget my place?" Esme replied in a mocking tone.

"'Book stealing fairy' Esme," Carlisle stated in a mock calm voice.

"Yes, Carlisle, a book stealing fairy," Esme replied calmly trying to sound as sincere as possible.

In the living room, Rosalie and Alice had to stifle their laughter.

"'Book stealing fairy'?" Jasper and Emmett both asked incredulously. Alice and Rosalie were both too busy trying not to laugh to reply. Above them they heard Carlisle give a long-suffering sigh.

"What the fuck is going on, Esme?" he asked wearily, though some of the temper he was trying to keep under wraps sneaked in, hence his choice of words. A long silence, both upstairs and downstairs, followed his question.

"Did Carlisle just say 'fuck'?" Emmett whispered in shock.

"Carlisle just said 'fuck' right?" Jasper was also in shock.

"Carlisle just swore? At Esme?" Rosalie asked unbelievingly, even her icy façade had been broken by shock.

"Yeah, Carlisle just said 'fuck'," Alice confirmed unbelievingly. "Did not see that one coming," she admitted dejectedly, considering yet again that maybe she had taken this too far. It was just a bet, and as fun as the girl's victory looked, she was beginning to question what had to be done to get there.

"Did you just say the f-word?" They heard Esme question Carlisle in astonishment.

"Apparently so," Carlisle sounded like he'd surprised himself as well. They heard Esme giggle, and then suddenly she was laughing her head off. Downstairs her children started to laugh as well.

"This isn't funny, Esme!" They heard Carlisle shout. "Will you please just tell me what's going on?" Carlisle shout sobered up both Esme and his children downstairs.

"First Carlisle's swearing at Esme, now he's shouting her. Great work Alice!" Jasper snapped at her. "Keep this up we'll be the part of the world's first vampire children custody hearing!"

"Don't shout at me! It was TwindleDUMB over there who started it." Alice snappishly replied, pointing at Emmett.

"You're the one who took it seriously!" Emmett shouted back. "You're the one who used Esme's insecurities to drag her and Carlisle into it!"

"You're the one who's a sexist pig!"

"Alice, it's was never about women being weaker! It was a joke! I never meant it!"

"Ha! Ha! Is that you admitting you were talking bullshit?" Alice asked excitedly.

"No! No!" Emmett back-pedalled. "Men are stronger. See! Bet you can't throw further then me" With that he grabbed the nearest large object to hand (the coffee table) and threw it in any direction. SMASH! The sound vibrated through the house cutting off the arguments both downstairs and upstairs.

"Ooooooh! You're really in trouble now!" Alice whispered mockingly to her brother as Esme and Carlisle arrived on the steps looking down at them. Esme's eyes were staring just behind them, at the hole in the window. Her eyes then flashed angrily at her children, quickly Alice, Rosalie and Jasper all pointed at Emmett.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!"

"You bunch of grasses. Whose side are you on anyway, Jasper?" Emmett muttered angrily to his siblings, glaring at his brother.

"The side that's not about to get killed by Esme," Jasper muttered back.

"How could you? Do you have any idea how much effort I put into looking after this house? Do you have any idea how much it means to me?" Esme demanded angrily.

"Didn't you spend the best part of the day complaining about being tied to this house?" Emmett pointed out, his reasoning being that he may as well go for it now – she couldn't get any angrier. Both Carlisle and Jasper covered their faces in exasperation.

"That's besides the point!" Esme snapped.

"I thought you resented it?" Emmett continued relentlessly. "Unless you don't resent it, in which case your angry at Carlisle for nothing. But if you did resent it, then you wouldn't care if the house got smashed."

"Yes I would, because I'm the one who has to clear it up!" Esme snapped back. "Because that's what a wife and mother does right?" she added sarcastically.

"There's only one person speaking bullshit right now Esme, and it's you," Emmett snapped back. There were several audible gasps around him.

"Did. You. Just. Swear. At. Me?" Esme hissed.

"Emmett, go clean it up right now!" Carlisle interjected, trying to defuse the situation.

"Oh! I'm sorry did anyone ask you to get involved? Think I can't control them myself?" Esme turned on her husband. Carlisle just lifted his arms up in the acknowledged sign for surrender or 'ok, I'm not getting involved'.

Emmett, his temper now at boiling point, decided he might as well take things a bit further. After all he really did have nothing to lose now. Suddenly he started jumping around the living room floor, leaving massive holes in the floor.

"Now if you didn't resent looking after the house, this would drive you mad!" Emmett said. "Of course that would mean admitting you did it because you enjoy it, not because you're forced into it because it's woman's place!" He continued to bounce around the living room, occasionally knocking into the furniture and the walls.

Esme watched, trying to hide her disgust.

"Join in, Jasper! It's fun!" Emmett boomed. Jasper glanced at his mother, knowing she was near breaking point – could this be the end of this stupid bet? Keeping a tight hold on the flag around his waist he began to jump around alongside his brother.

"You know love, you could just admit you care about the house. We all already know it's true, you're not really proving anything." Carlisle said cautiously. His wife shot him an angry glare and crossed her arms more tightly. "Okay, have it your way," he said with mock calm.

"Jump, Carlisle!" Emmett shouted. Carlisle just smiled at him.

"There doesn't appear to be any floor left to jump on," he stated. "I think you've proved your point now."

"Oh yeah," Emmett said in surprise as he and Jasper stopped. Alice and Rosalie were both stood against the wall looking at them with disgust.

"You missed a vase," Jasper said to his brother, pointing to a spot just behind Carlisle. There was one single vase of flowers left on the one piece of not destroyed furniture.

"I'll get it!" Emmett said, but before he could get to it Carlisle had turned around and knocked it over.

"That one you can blame me on!" he said calmly to his wife, not quite hiding his amusement. Esme stared wordlessly at her sons and husband.

"You two are …" She began pointing to her sons.

"Are what?" Emmett mocked her.

"You two are grounded!" Esme snapped. Emmett and Jasper just laughed at her, even Alice and Rosalie give a small giggle, while Carlisle gave a low chuckle.

"Esme, you do remember that I'm older then you," Jasper reminded her sarcastically.

"Older or not, I'm still your mother!"

"Ermmmm … that's some what of a contradiction," Jasper pointed out patronizingly.

"You're both grounded! End of!" she snapped temperamentally.

"Esme," Emmett began with a whine, but was cut off when his mother shot him a look of such anger he actually took a step back. "OK. Grounded."

"No it's not OK! I refuse to be treated like a child by a woman younger then me." Jasper said indignantly. Unfortunately some of his indignation was leaking through to everyone in the room, including his mother – fuelling her next comment.

"Fine. You can either admit you're grounded and stay in this house. Or you can leave." Esme snapped back. Silence followed this statement.

_Esme would never tell any of us to leave. _The same thought resounded through five minds.

_Vision of victory or not this has gone to far_, Alice thought guiltily. She'd definitely underestimated how affected her mother would be by this.

"Esme, love," Carlisle said gently, placing an arm around her.

"I didn't mean that!" Esme squeaked as she stood there looking ashamed of herself. Her temper had completely disappeared; helped by the flood of calm Jasper sent her way, guiltily trying to make up for his earlier accidental influence.

"You're right. You're my mother. You can ground me if you want to." Jasper would have said anything to remove the look of pain that now graced his mother's features.

"Come on, love," Carlisle whispered, using his arm around her to guide her away. Unfortunately, they happened to walk across the flowers that had fallen from the vase Carlisle had smashed. CRUNCH. The sound was enough to remind Esme why she had been angry, and she flew at full-speed out of his hold and into their bedroom. Carlisle followed seconds behind her, reaching the door to their bedroom as it slammed in his face.

"Consider this the vampire equivalent of sleeping on the couch!" Esme snapped at him from behind the closed door.

_I guess I deserved that, _Carlisle thought guiltily.

_He didn't really deserve that, _Esme thought guiltily.


	7. Giving Up

**7. Giving Up**

Day 7

A loud bang sounded throughout the Cullen household. Everyone looked up from what they were doing at the sound of it.

Alice and Rosalie were looking at the newest Paris fashion lines on the computer in Alice's room. Alice smiled as she heard the bang from upstairs, she could 'see' that the bet would be over soon, and she would get, not her credit cards back, but Carlisle's off him, which was just as good. With that thought she turned her attention back to the computer screen.

Jasper was sulking on the bed in his and Alice's room. His eyes were pitch black and his throat was burning like Hell, yet Esme was not letting go on the whole 'grounded' thing, so he couldn't hunt.

Carlisle and Esme were back to putting all their efforts into avoiding each other, and the remains of what had once been their living room.

"Oh, fuck!" they heard Emmett shout. Intrigued, the rest of his family followed the sound of his shout. They found him in his and Rosalie's bathroom.

"Whoa, bit of privacy maybe?" he shouted at them. Hastily, he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist.

Esme wasn't paying any attention to her son; her focus was on the hole in the wall.

"Emmett," she growled.

"I, erm, got a bit angry," Emmett said hesitantly.

"What could possibly be aggravating about having a shower?" Carlisle asked, calm as ever.

Alice giggled to herself before walking over and placing her hand under the still running water.

"A cold shower, seriously, Em?" she asked sarcastically.

"Vampires can have cold showers? Who'd have thought that would work," Jasper said in amazement.

"It doesn't," Emmett said grumpily.

"So you punched a hole in my wall," Esme added annoyed.

"Something like that, yeah."

"You know Emmett, you wouldn't need to take a cold shoulder if you just say the three magic words," Rosalie goaded him.

"Fine!" Emmett shouted. Alice smirked; this was her vision coming true. "It's bullshit, Alice. Let's go, Rose." And he grabbed his wife and pulled her out of the room. They heard their footsteps leaving the house.

"I won! I won! I won!" Alice chanted happily to herself, jumping up and down and clapping her hands excitedly.

"Yeah, you won. Can I have my clothes back now?" Jasper said exasperatedly. _At last this stupid bet is over,_ he thought.

"And my books?" Carlisle added.

"Sure, we hid them in a hole we dug in the forest. It might take a little while to get them though. And I want to go shopping." _I don't have a little while. I need to hunt now. Looks like I'm going hunting naked._

"And I need help packing everything up," Esme added.

"Packing everything up?" her husband asked.

"You can't seriously expect us to still live here?"

"Honey, we only just moved here."

"Fine, but you can tidy up for a change, and re-decorate, and I'll just sit around with my head in a book not being any help. Maybe you should be the one wearing the apron for a change." The look Esme gave Carlisle told him he should not argue with her, not if he wanted to make it through to see tomorrow.

"Kids, looks like we're moving."

"That's an excellent idea, Esme," Alice announced with a smirk. _Oh no_, both Carlisle and Jasper thought. Alice flitted off and came back with Esme's flowery apron. Esme smirked as well then.

"Here you go," Alice said throwing it at Carlisle.

"You can't be serious."

"You boys lost the bet," Alice reminded him.

"Technically, I was never involved in the bet," Carlisle replied smugly.

"Technically, you got involved in the bet the minute you cancelled my credit cards," Alice replied.

"I only did that because you stole all my books and blamed it on the 'book-stealing fairy'."

"Oh, just put the apron on already, Carlisle," Esme snapped.

Deciding it wasn't worth arguing with his already peeved wife, Carlisle did as she said.

"I like it. You wearing an apron and me giving the orders for the change," Esme said smugly.

"I knew you'd enjoy being the one in charge," Alice told her. Esme's smile became even smugger.

"Esme, can I please go hunt now?" Jasper asked.

"Well, I guess so," she replied.

"How does this sound for a plan, Esme?" Alice asked. "I'm going to show Carlisle were we buried his books and Jasper's clothes, and he can dig them up while I go shopping, with Carlisle's credit cards off course," she smirked at her father. "Meanwhile you can go get some moving vans for our impending move. We'll need three. One for Carlisle to put the books and clothes in. One for the remains of the furniture. And one for all my new clothes."

"Sounds like a good plan to me, dear. Carlisle, give Alice your credit cards." Carlisle did as he was ordered.

_I'm going to have to tell Emmett to never make a bet like this with Alice ever again, _he thought glumly.

"He doesn't listen to you and does it again in another couple of years. And the girls win. Again," Alice informed him cheerfully.

**

* * *

**

Yeah, I know that was all a little stupid and crackficcy (not certain that's a word, but you know what I mean). Also, I know Carlisle and Esme are a little OOC in this fic, but canon Carlisle and Esme would have just come home and stopped the bet. And that wouldn't have been any fun!

**So what did you think of my little stupid story? Reviews are always appreciated. **


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